


Seven Times Lupin Was Not Alone on the Holidays

by Sookiestark



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Aurors, Bisexual Male Character, Christmas, Interrogation, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 21:52:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17108768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sookiestark/pseuds/Sookiestark
Summary: Seven times Lupin was not alone for the holidays (post 1981)





	Seven Times Lupin Was Not Alone on the Holidays

**Author's Note:**

> I have never written a Harry Potter fanfic so I apologize for any terrible flaws. I did my research so I am hopeful that there won't be any big mistakes. This story started last Christmas because of a conversation. I really do like Lupin and Black but as I was thinking about what Lupin must have felt and how alone he must have been when his friends all dead or in Azkaban. Also, I started to think about how he must have been interrogated. He was a known werewolf and close friend to the Potters, Pettigrew and Black. 
> 
> There is a great deal of implied homophobia in the first chapter but I think it is period typical. 
> 
> The first chapter is very sad and Lupin is kind of a wreck but this story is about healing and forgiveness so it will be sweet by the end.

To O

December 23, 1981

 

Remus Lupin always believed he was not a man given to self- pity. However, he felt he had started to become someone he wasn’t entirely sure he recognized. Last Christmas, he had spent the holiday with Lily, James, and Sirius, laughing in the small house in Godric’s Hollow, full of hope and holiday cheer, listening to records of Christmas music until late in the night. How happy they had all been last Christmas, even as more and more grim news of Voldemort’s deeds flooded the papers and radio. Last Christmas, Remus had been certain who he was, part of the Order of the Phoenix, one of the Mauraders, and most importantly, wildly in love with Sirius Black. 

This year, he was spending it in this empty safe house somewhere in rural Scotland. His only companion was the firewhiskey he had found in the cupboard and the brief unannounced visits he had from Dumbledore to check in on him. Remus had been nursing his wounds and fresh scars from the Aurors who had detained him for questioning after the Sirius’ capture. He had only been released two weeks ago. The Ministry of Magic had held him for over a month, questioning him, sometimes with more force than questions. Humiliatingly, they had kept him, even during the full moon, watching his change in a spell-enforced room, as if he was a bug in a jar or an animal in the zoo. 

Remus Lupin could not be released until after his questioning. After all, he was a person of interest in the whole debacle. He was the person closest to Peter, Lily, James, and Sirius. They needed to know if he was a Death Eater like Sirius. They needed to know what he knew to try to make sense of the whole mess. They needed to know if Voldemort had died or was just in hiding.

Remus understood. Two months ago, the Longbottoms had still been a healthy couple laughing and playing with their newborn. Lily, James, and Peter were all still alive. Sirius was still considered to be an ally against the forces of the Death Eaters and He-Who Must Not Be Named. Now, Remus Lupin was the only one of them who still breathed and had his wits, a werewolf and a homosexual lover to Black. It was highly suspect.

Dumbledore had been the one to meet him as he was released from the Ministry of Magic. Remus had known his father would have come to collect him but he had not wanted his father to be associated with him. It was not safe. Nowhere was safe. Dumbledore was the only person who could come, the only one above the taint of Lupin, werewolf, deviant, and possible accomplice to Sirius Black. 

 

Sitting on a bench, Dumbledore had been eating some kind of candy out of a bag when Remus had been led out of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement by two large Aurors he did not recognize. He was hungry and tired, and very sore. A wizard who had taken him out of his Interrogation Room had whispered in his ear, “I have to let you go, Lupin. But I know you helped kill the Potters. I will prove it. When I do, you will be off to Azkaban with your faggot boyfriend.”

Lupin had said nothing. Instead, he had looked at his feet and allowed them to escort him out of this place. Lupin had lost the will to fight. Internally, he felt as broken as he physically felt. Seeing Dumbledore sitting on a bench eating candy did not give him a sense of peace. Instead, he felt anger at the Professor. Lupin started to feel the anger in his stomach that had been simmering since he had heard the story of Lily and James’ death and was brought into custody for questioning.

Dumbledore stood when he saw him and put the candy in one of his pockets. He smiled a sad smile at him. Lupin reached out his hand and made a feeble attempt to smile back. Dumbledore shook his hand and clapped his shoulder. As they walked to the exit, Dumbledore spoke, “You look tired, Remus. You should go to your father's. He is worried for you or come and celebrate the holidays at Hogwarts.” 

Remus tried to not sound like a petulant child, “I don't want to go to my father’s. It is not safe for him. I definitely will not go to Hogwarts.” 

So, Dumbledore had brought him to this small cottage by the sea. The pantry had been stocked and the bedroom had fresh linens and a comfortable quilt. Dumbledore had told him it was a safe house and he would not be bothered. Then, the old wizard had offered his apologies and apparated back to Hogwarts.

On the morning of the second day, Lypin had found the bottle of firewhiskey. Then in the living room, he found a small record player and a bunch of old records. With a toast of Merry Christmas, Remus poured himself the first of many drinks. No matter how much firewhiskey he drank, he could still remember the dark room with the bright light as he sat magically bound to a hard chair. They would keep him there for hours asking him questions, giving him drinks of veritaserum. Sometimes they asked him the same question over and over. Sometimes, they would not feed him or let him sleep. Sometimes, they would use their wands to hurt him, in order to make him tell the truth, afraid he was somehow resistant the truth-telling potion.

Sometimes, during his month-long interrogation, Remus had begun to think sometimes they just liked hurting him with their wands..

At first, he had tried not to tell them about him and Sirius. He knew they would not understand, that it would make him sound even more untrustworthy, make him more guilty. He could remember the Aurors and the disdain in their voices, even before they knew the entire story. 

“So, Remus Lupin, you are a werewolf?”

“Yes.” 

“How did you catch it? The lycanthropy?”

“When I was a boy, I was attacked.”

“Werewolves have been fighting on the side of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. You have been gone for some time. Where have you been?”

“Wales. Dumbledore sent me on business.”

“Are you certain it was under Dumbledore’s order?” 

“Yes.”

“We know what you were doing. You were talking to werewolves. Perhaps, you and Sirius were both working for You Know Who.”

“No. No. I never did.”

“Perhaps, you belong in Azkaban..”

“I have done nothing wrong.”

Later, much later, though Remus was certain he lost track of time in that windowless cell, under the harsh bright light, someone asked him, “And you and Black, what would you call yourself? What was the nature of your relationship?”

At first, he spoke clearly, “We were mates from school.” 

As the days passed and the questioning continued, “We were best friends…”

“We were lovers.”

“He was the love of my life.” 

Remus remembered crying softly when he had said the last statement. He had been thinking about Black killing Pettigrew and all those helpless muggles, thinking about how much he had loved him and how it had all been a lie. 

The Aurors were relentless. They continued to ask questions, in the voices thick with disgust,  


“So, you and Black were homosexuals.”

He could hear someone snicker and another voice whispered faggot. 

“Yes.” 

Remus remembered the shame and fear. He remembered the guilt as if it was a betrayal to himself and Black. He remembered the certainty that he was going to spend the rest of his natural life in Azkaban. 

“How long have you been a ... homosexual?”

“Only with Black. The first time I kissed him I was sixteen.”

“Before Black, was there anyone else?”

“No.”

At this, someone pulled a wand and a painful, burning shot of electricity coursed in his body.

“Don’t lie… Tell me the truth… “

“I never have. It was always Sirius. It was only him. He started it.”

His body was bruised. He was sure he had broken a rib and his left eye was black and hurt to open. The Aurors had questions and things had taken a turn for the worse. He understood the implications. He was a werewolf, a creature of the dark and he was Sirius’s closest friend- untouched and highly suspicious. 

They had kept asking him things he could not answer like where did Voldemort go? Where was his body? Who else was a death eater? 

On the morning of the third day in the safe house, after he had found the firewhiskey, Lupin woke up to sunrise on the living room carpet. HIs head hurt like hell and his mouth was dry and tasted of vomit. Near his head was a pile of vomit. He must have gotten sick before he passed out the previous night. Remus closed his eyes and wondered if he would be able to survive this or would he drown in his grief and guilt. 

As he laid there on the ruined carpet, Remus wondered what had bothered the Aurors more, the fact he was a werewolf or gay? How many times had they asked him the same questions? Remus wondered if he would ever stop hearing them ask questions in his head.

“When did you betray Lily and James to Voldemort?”

“I never did..”

“Who was the Potter's Secret- Keeper?” 

“I didn't know.”

“When did Sirius know?”

“Know what?”

Another jolt of electricity.

“When did Sirius know who was the Potters' Secret Keeper?”

“I don't know he never told me.”

“Why wouldn't your best friend tell you? Do you expect us to believe your friend? Your lover didn’t tell you all his secrets?”

“I guess he didn't…”

“Didn’t what, Lupin? I guess Lily and James hadn't told you either… Why is that?” 

 

“I do not know.. I think he thought… because of my condition..”

The electric from the wand hit him in the lower ribs. 

“When did you tell the Death Eaters? When did you tell Voldemort? When did you betray them?” 

“I never did. I would never betray them. They were my friends..”

“What is your condition?”

“I have lycanthropy.” 

"What school did you go to?"

"Hogwarts." 

"What house were you sorted into?" 

"Gryffindor." 

“When did you know Black was a Dark Wizard? A Death Eater?’  


“Never! I never knew...”

“You truly think that you expect us to believe that story?” 

“Believe it or not, Sirius never ever had any signs of being a Dark Wizard. No marks. Nothing.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I know..”

“How?”

“I have seen his entire body, kissed it, touched it... It is burned in my mind. I have kissed him.. All over. Everywhere.”

(faggot)

Lupin continued crying under the harsh light, “I know,” he said. “I know Sirius... We didn’t have any secrets. I didn’t think we had any secrets.”

“I guess you didn't know him so well. “

Remus felt the effects of the truth serum and the effects of the grueling interrogation. “I know him better than anyone. I loved him.”

“Did you know that Sirius did not trust you? We have a letter written in Sirius' hand with his signature saying he did not trust you and perhaps you were working with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.”

Someone touched dim with a jolt of energy electricity. Lupin had screamed but it was more than just the pain. 

Remus knows he has to get up and take a shower. He needs to clean the carpet. He knows if he would drink some water, and eat a sandwich he would start healing but he doesn’t want to heal. He wants to lay on the floor of Sirius apartment, their apartment but Dumbledore wouldn’t take him back there. Instead, they had come to this place and Remus didn’t have his wand or the strength to leave.

Remus pulled himself up from the floor. He took a shower, made a sandwich, found some cleaner under the sink, and tried to clean the carpet. Realizing without a wand, it would never come clean. Remus sat on the couch, watching the geese fly across the winter sky and contemplated drinking more firewhiskey. 

He remembered the first time he had kissed Sirius. Sirius had not initiated it. Remus had. It had been at Christmas time in Hogsmeade. Sirius had had some firewhiskey and Remus had bought candy and chips. They had gone to the Shrieking Shack to drink their whiskey. When they had finished they had stumbled out onto the dark path and the snow had been falling softly.

Impulsively, Lupin had pulled Black to him and kissed him in the dark snow. It had been sweet and soft and as magical as anything he had ever known. When he had pulled away reluctantly, Black had smiled, snowflakes in his hair. 

 

Lupin sits for so long on the couch, watching the birds, that he notices the sky darken. He wonders if it is cold outside and when did he become a coward. He wonders if he will ever feel better and he thinks about all the things he never said to Sirius. Sirius was a liar and a death eater. Sirius betrayed Lily and James. How many lies had he spoken to Remus? How many things had been false? 

Lupin remembered before he had left Sirius the last time. Lupin had been wearing one of his big old sweaters and packing his things for Wales. Lupin had tried to remember to do all the things that he knew Sirius would forget, like water the plants and check the post. Lupin had been to the store to get food because Sirius was apt to forget to shop and not eat. Lupin remembered the sense of worry that hung over him as he prepared to leave for Wales

When the sky started to darken, Sirius had come home, his arms full of packages of Chinese take-out. When he had seen Lupin, he had gathered him in his arms and kissed him, the bags spilling on the floor. They spent all night that night eating Chinese takeout, making plans for the future when the war was over, their future, and wildly fucking like it would be the last time. In the early hours of the morning, they had collapsed exhausted in the lumpy, raggedy, tiny bed. Normally, the bed never seemed big enough but that night Remus had slept curled so close to Sirius that the bed seemed to fit them. 

When dawn had broke, Sirius had kissed him urgently.

“We should sleep,” Remus had teased. 

Sirius had spoken, looking into his eyes, “I don’t need rest. I just need you.”

Remus had pushed him off, smiling playfully. “Stop teasing.”

But Sirius had pulled him close again, “Really, Remus. You are all I need. You're all that I want. I can’t wait until this war is over and we can go back to just us again.”

There had been a heat and an urgency as Sirius had pushed between Remus’ legs one last time in the quiet pink of dawn. Remus had sometimes felt like he was drowning in all that love that Sirius could have. But recently, he had started to sense the hesitancy, as well. Sirius had started not to trust him.

 

Suddenly Lupin wondered if Dumbledore had sent him to Wales because he had started not to trust him, as well. He never had seen the letter that Sirius had written, the letter the Aurors had talked about. He did not need to see it. There was a truth to it. Black might have loved him but he had not trusted him, not at the end. Perhaps, he had needed Lupin sent away to betray Lily and James. Maybe Sirius had sent Lupin away because he could not risk him trying to stop him. Maybe, he had wanted to keep him safe. Could Sirius have been a death eater and loved him still? Lupin falls asleep in the early darkness into a fitful sleep.

When he wakes, he sees Dumbledore preparing the kitchen table. Dumbledore has brought leftovers from dinner at Hogwarts. Lupin walks to the kitchen, running his hands through his hair. Dumbledore hands him a glass of water as he sits at the table. 

Dumbledore speaks as he makes a plate of food for Lupin. “Firewhiskey won’t make the thoughts go away, Remus. It won’t take the pain away. Come eat. Let’s get you better. Christmas will be here soon. I talked to Molly and she said she and Arthur would love to have you for Christmas dinner.” 

“I do not feel like it.” Lupin takes the plate that Dumbledore hands to him and sets it down before him. He finds he has no appetite. 

“Are you sure?” Dumbledore speaks gently to his friend. 

“I do not think I would be in a festive mood.”

“I brought your things from the apartment.” Dumbledore points to an old beat-up suitcase in the corner. “And this…” From the folds in his robes, he produced Lupin’s wand.

Lupin had had his wand taken from him when he was interrogated. He could feel the tears in his eyes. Gently, he took it from Dumbledore with care, as if it was a dear old friend. 

Dumbledore spoke, “I will not keep you here if you want to leave. I would like to see you well. But you can leave anytime, Lupin. There is still much to live for... Much good work to be done.”

Lupin spoke, the pain bubbling over into his words, “What? Why? What is left? What?”

“Harry.”

 

“Harry?! You gave him away to a Muggle family, not any Muggles, but Lily’s sister. Lily’s sister who has not spoken to her since she left home. Lily’s sister who hated her. Everyone is dead. Everyone is gone. Everyone.”

Dumbledore scratched his beard. “You remain Remus. You are still alive.” 

 

At this, Remus starts to cry. Breaking down, he wipes his eyes and speaks, “I just can't believe that Sirius was a Death Eater. I knew him. He killed Peter and he betrayed James. I loved him. How could I not see it? How?”

Dumbledore spoke but Remus could not look at him. “It is hard to see the faults in those we love. Remus, stay here for a few days. Get better. Eat. Sleep. Mourn. The house is safe and you will not be bothered. You need time. Rest. Heal.”

Dumbledore put the food away and washed the dishes. When he was done, he put a small bag of gold on the table and said good night. Then, he apparated with a small pop into the night.

That night, after Dumbledore departed, Remus left the safe house with his suitcase and his wand, shutting the door and leaving the small bag of gold on the table.


End file.
